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My husband and I experienced a miscarriage only a few months ago. The feelings and emotions we went through were almost unbearable. All I can say is it was so very dark. Dark, and grey. “Why would God allow this?” I questioned. I didn’t understand why he would take her from me. But, I hold on to hope that there is a reason, a purpose.
The reactions people give after finding out I had miscarried, are not always what you would expect (for lack of better words). Comments like “Well, you weren’t ready anyways. Right?” The coldness some people give was the most shocking to me. It made me question myself even more. It sucked the very last drop of what little joy that I had left.
I refocused on work, our home, and on building our marriage. Mike and I bonded closer together and learned the outside edges of the darkness that draws close. The more we went through together, the more I realized how truly blessed I am.
We just found out we’re expecting again. The struggles we battled daily continues. Do we tell anyone? Do we share our exciting news? What will the reactions be like? Will I miscarry again? Will I be able to handle another miscarriage? Oh dear God!
I’m holding on to the hope that I can get though this with Christ. I have to accept what the Lord has planned for life. He does know what is best for all, right? He knows how much we can handle and he will not give us more than we can bear. He’ll bless those that believe in him. He’ll use mike and I and our family to build his kingdom. ALWAYS TRUST IN GOD!
Psalm 139:13-16
You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
16 You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.
To my baby,
I never met you and never saw your face. Daddy and I love you more than we ever thought we could love someone we never met.
I bought you little tiny baby socks and pretended to kiss your itty bitty feet. Daddy sang silly songs to you… and even Ellie and Lestat would sing too. Your Daddy is a good man, he takes care of Mommy and you! We couldn’t wait to be your Mommy and Daddy and kiss and squeeze you.
I’m sorry that you’re gone now, I miss you so much. You have good company there that you’re meeting sooner than we would have liked. Let me tell you who they are…your uncle Matthew, and your great Grandparents: Grandma Grasz, Grandpa Harrell, and Grandpa Elke. Watch out for Grandpa Elke- he might tease you 
. We have other friends there too and we know you’ll be happy and at peace until we can join you there one day too.
You met God! How lucky you are. Do you remember Mommy talking to him? Yes, we even talked about you! I wish you could tell me what he’s like. He’s your ultimate creator and gave you to me to take care of for a few weeks, then he had a new purpose for you and called you to be with him. Baby, everyone has a purpose and it’s given to us before we’re even born. Your purpose was to be carried out sooner than I wanted, but I know God’s plans are always for GOOD! Be well my child.
Love,
Your Mommy
Rachel Harrell- conceived in love and died at 8 weeks gestation.
That is the question we’ve been asking our selves since the day we first found out we are expecting. It’s an anxious time in our lives. We can’t wait for our little one to join us in this world.
The first sign I experienced was exhaustion. One day I actually slept for about 18 hours. I couldn’t get enough rest. During week 7 & 8 I experienced an overall nausous feeling. Wasn’t really hungry and when I did eat, I didn’t feel good after. Now at week 10 I’m feeling normal. In fact, so normal that I started asking a few pregnant friends if it was normal to feel normal! Rest assured, it is! I’m just so anxious and scared about losing the baby. Dear God, please keep our baby safe during the pregnancy!
I’m thankful for my husband, Mike for his patience with all my paranoia and fears of a miscarriage. I’m blessed with a loving, kind, patient, and caring partner in life who dances with me in the kitchen when I’m crying! Thank you honey!
I’ve been spending alot of time thinking about what is it going to be like to be a parent? I’m assume many new mothers (and fathers) wonder this same very thought. So, here’s my attempt to explain the feelings i’m experiencing….
I imagine parenting would feel a lot like a roller coaster ride. And, at least in my experience, this is what a roller coaster feels like…
You’re finally mentally prepared enough to hop in the cart and put on the safety belt. You begin to feel the excitement. As you begin to move slowly you’re feeling a little apprehensive.
When you approach the top (pregnancy) you start asking yourself “What the heck was I thinking? Can I really handle this? Oh CRAP!!! I think I might want off this ride”
You finally reach the top and begin that woosh towards earth (I imagine giving birth would feel somewhat similar but with a bit more pain…ok ALOT) and you’re thinking “OH SHIT!” Some of you crazy people actually get a thrill off that moment… for people like me, the anticipation of that moment is just terrifying.
Ahh finally the bottom of that first big dip. You begin to think “Whew, that wasn’t soo bad. Ok I can handle this. ” Then once your over the anticipation you almost feel a sense of relief and a “Hell YA” moment (I imagine when the baby is placed in my arms I’d feel an overwhelming sense of relief and joy that my child made it safely.)
The rest of the ride (parenthood) is just getting used to it….lots of up’s and down’s, but once you get the hang of it, it can be quite entertaining!
“Are you humble enough to be care free? Humility is an emptiness to be confessed to God.” -John Piper
After examining this within myself, the answer was a resounding “NO.” I wasn’t humble, I wasn’t carefree. So I began to submit myself to God. I handed my life over and he chose to take all my kingdom’s away to show me how to walk in the light.
The world today walks in darkness. As Earl Nightingale (1921-1989, American Radio Announcer, Author, Speaker, Co-founder of Nightingale-Conant Corp) once was quoted saying, ” We all walk in the dark and each of us must learn to turn on his or her own light.” For me, that light is the love of God. When I commit myself to a devoted life of living in the rhythm of Jesus I find my light just stays on and the blessings pour down.
Evil is like a shadow – it has no real substance of its own, it is simply a lack of light. You cannot cause a shadow to disappear by trying to fight it, stamp on it, by railing against it, or any other form of emotional or physical resistance. In order to cause a shadow to disappear, you must shine light on it.
Shakti Gawain, teacher and author
(1948- )
After everything we’ve recently been through, I honestly veiw it as a blessing to prepare myself for the many other blessings I’ll receive in the future. I recently started working at Planned Parenthood Minnesota North Dakota South Dakota. So far, I love it. I feel like I can completely and 100% myself. My unique and creative, somtimes spontaneous self. That is a blessing!
Also, Mike and I have been blessed to conceive our first child expected in May 2009. We’re so very anxious and excited. Watch for an upcoming blog on My Perception on Parenting……
We thought that having a second vehicle around might be convienent for us. Mike researched carsoup.com, vehix.com, and craigslist.com for a vehicle in our budget. Obviously we’re a newly wed couple so the budget is pretty slim. Mike and a friend were expecting to have to fix some things on the car we’d finally purchase.
Mike just didn’t find anything in MN that he felt was worth it. I told him I wouldn’t mind a small road trip if we could keep it cheap. Mike found a posting in Chicago on Craigslist that he thought was worth checking out. Two of our friends happened to have the day off and joined us for a good time on the road.
We had just purchased a GPS system with some gift certificates we received from the wedding (Thank you!). We wanted to test it out, and what a perfect opportunity. We estimated our trip would only take us six hours and we could get there around noon if we left at 6 a.m. and we could be back by midnight or 1a.m. on Saturday. We set our GPS for the trip and made arrangements with the seller of the vehicle to test drive it.
First I must mention that we had a blast and the trip there was so beautiful! I bonded with some great friends and had several good laughs on the way. What we didn’t realize was that our GPS was set to pedestrian mode. We couldn’t understand why it wouldn’t put us on the freeway straight to Chicago. Instead the GPS took us through back roads all through wisconsin. We didn’t really have any other device to consult, so we said “Trust the Garmin!” We traveled over 630 miles and it took us almost ten hours just to get to our destination. Needless to say we were exhausted by the time we arrived.
Mike and a friend test drove the vehicle and left me and another friend behind with the seller. It was taking them a long time, and when they finally returned they were walking. Not a good sign! There was just too much wrong with it that we didn’t purchase the vehicle.
A friend had internet on his phone so we looked up other vehicles in the area. Why not take advantage of the opportunity? We found a seller with two vehicles not far from where we were. And, off we were to test drive two more vehicles.
We thought we were really going home with a second vehicle! They test drove the car and our mechanic friend thought it was a good deal. We made an offer to the guy showing us the car and he accepted. Ready to sign the title over we noticed the title looked a bit strange. Wait a minute! The cars don’t have license plates. We asked “Where are the plates?” and he said he was using them on his new car. That seems odd…aren’t they registered to the vehicle? The guy said “you can just put your plates on it. Or you if you’re pulled over just show them the title” I was skeptical and dialed 411 and got the non emergency police department and asked if this was true. The operator stated “You must apply for the plates through the State Secretary and takes a couple weeks. If it’s a private seller the vehicle should already have plates registered to the vehicle”
We took it as a sign from God that now is not the time for us to own a second vehicle.
We’re all settled in, we’re trying to get organized, the once empty apartment is now filled with love and excitement to see what’s ahead for our lives together and Mr. and Mrs.
We were planning only a month ago to condense our 25+ growing years of life to a single vehicle and head on the road to California for an adventure of a life time. We had dreams of hiking in Death Valley; and exploring the suburbs of Los Angeles. But, as fate would have it, we decided to move to Inver Grove Heights where we had already begun to root our lives together.
We found a cute little two bedroom apartment last minute, rented a uhaul, and with the help of three strong friends we settled in our first home together as a married couple. Although, we’re convinced our new home has ghostly visitors (strange noises are in this place) we’re happy to finally nestle down for a while.
Mike’s doctor’s are only a skip away. The pharmacy and grocery store are an all too familiar scene. Although we’ve lived in Eagan the past four years of our dating life, majority of our time was spent traveling to Inver Grove Heights (roughly a fifteen minute drive) regularly. Every thing is so close to us now, it’s like I’m never leaving home.
What’s next for us? I’m so excited to find out….
As much as I try to envision my future and what it will hold for me I am always pleasantly surprised by the awe and wonder of God. My own plans and direction are never enough, he always has something grander planned for us.
We were wed on June 20, 2008. The day was perfect and even better than my very own dreams had ever imagined. I had prayed for two years during our engagement that it would be a beautiful day with a slight breeze to cool things down. I asked God to use this as a sign that we were following the plans he had for us.
A storm rolled in around 5 p.m., it was dark and the winds were strong. The wedding was planned to be outdoors overlooking the pond and foutain. The event coordinator, D.J. and photographer asked me to move everything indoors. I complied with their wishes with a condition that if the storm blew over, we’d move everything back outside. I knew it would blow ever, I had prayed for a sign.
At 5:15 the storm passed, the sun shined through the clouds and I caught a glimpse of my soon to be husband, he had just arrived. A slight breeze cooled us down as our guests intensly watched us as we repeated our vows.
What a beautiful day! It was as if God was saying, I know the storms you have gone through and you always have faith in me, you shall be blessed for your faith. Thank you God for all the blessings you have given us!
May he take all my kingdoms from me if it is his will. His will shall always prevail! I want to be a vessel that God works through! My trust and care is in the Lord.
In Joyce Lain Kennedy’s words,
“Being cut loose was a blessing in disguise. Now I have an opportunity to explore jobs that better suit my qualifications and interests.”
I’ll be quite honest. Much of my stress and worry has been about how to balance home life and work life. I was stressed about work and communication conflicts. I never felt I had enough hours in my day to accomplish all the tasks I had set for myself.
Let’s examine, In September 2006 I stepped down from my role as Team Lead for Target Corp. so that I could focus more on the needs I had at home (i.e. Starting up a new business with my fiance, Volunteering [my passion], and assisting my fiance with his medical needs). I accepted an offer to transfer to a “less stress” job as a Fraud Associate. I reported to a wonderful, caring, and kind Team Lead (also it’s important to note this person was also a Christian). Her manager hired me and said we’d make a great team. She was right, this Lead demonstrated compassion and understood my needs. In turn received 110% from me. I was eagar to volunteer for projects, ready to lend a helping hand, excited to pitch my ideas, and offer my creative insight on potential roadblocks on the goals and strategies.
So what happened? Well, the hiring manager was promoted and replaced by a “shaker.” A re-org shuffle took place and I was swept under a reporting relationship that became very toxic very quickly. My positive attitude started to consume negative energy and became a breeding ground for darkness. I became bitter. It took about 6 months before I was able to muster up the strength to turn my attitude around. I started to pray to God to show me how to handle the situation I was in.
I received confirmation of his answer while attending a Diversity Council meeting where speakers were often brought in to share their experiences and unique perspectives on diversity topics. I had never attended before, but decided to check it out that day. Help from a fellow christian friend sealed the deal when she stated she would be attending. So, I went! The speaker spoke about attitude. He displayed an enthusiasm for life and his career that I remember once having. Then, during his presentation he used the quote “We choose the thoughts we allow to dominate our lives.”
Well, from that point I chose to ask God for his help in choosing my thoughts. I wanted to live my life in the rthym of Jesus. You can pick up this story from my very first blog post. The rest of this blog is my journey…
I have been through some ups and downs in this life but I will always proclaim that my strength and hope come from Jesus Christ!
Again God showed his grace and mercy on Mike and I. Last night we went to the local corner store to get gas. It was late at night and they were just about to close. Mike always pumps the gas and I go in to pay for it. So, just as I was about to take two steps towards the store to prepay for our gas I noticed a car pull up to the door, a young man got out of the car and started to walk in the store. I saw a HUGE gun in his pants. I turned around immediately and walked towards Mike and calmly said “That guy has a gun in his pants.” Mike set the gas pump back in its coral and got in the car; I hopped in the car and started to drive. Mike dialed 911 and we told the emergency operator what we had just seen. Then we went home.
This morning I stopped at the gas station again because I still needed gas in my car. I asked the woman behind the counter “Did anything happen here last night?” and she said “Yes.” And went on to explain that the cops arrived before anyone was hurt and they caught the guy just down the street.
Thank the lord that nobody was hurt! Who would have thought this would happen to us? We live in a decent neighborhood in Eagan. Never would we suspect that we’d be in the midst of an armed robbery!!!
